New Vlog and Weight Loss Update: 90 LBS DOWN!

Two weeks ago: 182.8
Today’s Weigh-in: 182.0 lbs
Change: -0.8 lbs
Total Loss: 90 lbs!

This has been a banner week, folks! Lots of stress in my life, but I continue to experience breakthroughs in my fitness. First things first: I’m down 90 lbs total since my highest recorded weight – huzzah! I might be struggling with feeling like I haven’t been “giving it my all”, but I have to take this opportunity to celebrate this milestone. **Cue party whistle**

The week before last I got pretty excited because I ran a full mile on the treadmill without stopping. I’m proud to report that I’ve shattered that best-distance and last week I ran a full 5k on the treadmill without stopping. That’s 3.1 miles!

I definitely know what they mean by a “runner’s high” now. For me it happens about 20 minutes in. The first 5 to 8 minutes everything’s okay, then around the 10-minute mark my legs start to harsh my good vibes. It’s a huge struggle until around the 20-minute mark, then I get into a “zone” and my calves don’t hurt as much and I feel like I can just keep going.

The other thing that I love about running is that it really is a singular activity. At this point I still can’t focus on anything else EXCEPT the act of running while I’m doing it. I had some family drama pop up and while I tried to think about it while jogging on the treadmill, my mind wouldn’t let me. As if the activity itself required so much concentration the whole world outside of that alone washed away. All I’m thinking on that treadmill is, “How is my breathing?” and “Ow my calves hurt now” and “Just keep moving forward” and “Wow this lap is taking forever”. No “I wonder what I should eat for dinner” or “How do I deal with such and such problem”. I get anxiety from time to time and this seems like a fantastic mechanism to break the anxious thoughts when they creep up on me.

I feel so strong about the running that I’ve signed up for my first 5K… AS A RUNNER! I walked a 5k back in March, but now I’ve gone and registered for the Biggest Loser Run/Walk Seattle on October 12th, so there’s a real commitment made to the idea of running. My hope is to be able to jog the whole thing without stopping.

I’ll leave you with my latest video diary recorded just a little while ago – enjoy!

My Response to Emily: A Spark to a Flame, Find Your Kindling For Weight Loss Success

Hello friends! I’ve been remiss in posting here. While I have been posting regular video updates to my channel on YouTube, I haven’t always been linking those here. I am a bad, bad blogger. I guess I’ll make up for it today by posting a blog the length of a short novel, so sit down and get comfortable!

The last couple weeks have been a swirl of transition with me starting back to work. Things have been going… ehhhh, okayyyy I guess?

Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic. Going back to work after being off for well-over a year is no walk in the park. Starting any new job is mentally exhausting (which of course leads to physical exhaustion as well), so I’ve been struggling with feeling really tired in a way I haven’t in a very, very long time. But it’s a GOOD tired. It’s not depression tiredness, or slug tiredness; it’s a tired sensation that has heaps of satisfaction underneath. And mornings are invigorating for me in a way they haven’t been in so, so long. I’m looking forward to going in to work every day. How crazy is that?

So despite my genuine efforts to be a superstar and knock balancing my new job with my healthy lifestyle outta the park on the first swing, I’ve still felt like I “haven’t been doing enough” in terms of activity by not formally hitting the gym three times a week. The fact that I was weighing myself every day and seeing the scale go up did not help mental matters. But I was bringing all my food, tracking it, walking around the office as much as possible to get my Fitbit steps in, trying to drink as much water as I could reasonably do while wearing Spanx (pro tip: spanx plus hydration doesn’t work – plus spanx cause me severe constipation, who knew?!?), and taking 15-minute walking breaks each day after lunch. All this while trying to absorb a lot of new information and process… I’ve been totally kicking ass! And yet, feeling funky about my weight.

And then I ended up hurting my foot and putting myself out of commission (and work) for 4 days last Friday night. **CHARLIE BROWN AAAAAAUGH** So yeah, last Friday I planned to go to the gym after work. Packed my gym bag and was all set to go, but mid-day I realized I had left my sports bra at home. Um. These knockers REQUIRE sports bras for anything jumpy I do at the gym, so, harrumph. But I was still DEAD SET on getting some activity in. So I decided to walk the campus at work (they have these 2, 3, and 5-mile fitness paths available) and get a 2 mile walk in.

But I took a shortcut and didn’t change my sneakers. BAD IDEA. The sneakers I wore to work didn’t have my orthotic inserts (also a BAD IDEA), so by the time I was finished with a 2.5 mile walk, my proverbial dogs were barking. Got home, took my shoes off and put my feet up for a couple hours, but when I got up to go to bed I COULDN’T WALK. My right foot was totally out of commission. Couldn’t bear any weight on it and hopped on my left leg into bed hoping overnight rest would fix it. Nope.

Long story short: trip to urgent care revealed a bone spur near my Achilles tendon’s insertion point on the heel, but they couldn’t help me. I spent all day Sunday on the couch. It wasn’t until yesterday afternoon that I could actually put my heel on the floor and put any pressure on it. By the time my appointment with a podiatrist rolled around, I was about 75% recovered. (Yay!)

But this hiccup took a toll, just like the job did. But this toll has been higher. See, what happens when I get sick? Well, my eating goes to hell. It started on Saturday with a trip to Five Guys for burgers. And then Sunday I ate a giant burrito. And then yesterday I finished that burrito and had pizza and a giant chocolate chip cookie for dinner. And I started thinking about going to get a dozen donuts for myself this morning. Feeling mighty binge-y at the moment. Classic Julie. Get sick? EAT ALL THE FOOD.

This is where I’ll transition to talking about my friend, Emily. You may know her. She’s kinda awesome. I woke up this morning and before I had even wiped the sleep from my eyes, I was reading her latest post. If you haven’t seen it, click here and read it now. And make sure to watch the embedded video, too. The rest of this post can wait.

Okay, didya read it? Cool! We can move forward!

I was so inspired by her post that as I was reading it I got up out of bed and started heading towards my laptop. I was so flooded with feelings that I was compelled to respond. And thus here I am. I know that in this blog I choose to celebrate my successes a lot. That’s part of why I’m successful, I think, is that I don’t let the small victories pass without bragging them up all over the place. It makes me feel good, helps me stay motivated, and keeps me on what is generally a very rocky path.

The part of Emily’s post that I really wanted to respond to was this:

“I’m still not in a place where I 100% believe that I will lose the weight and build a solid recovery from Binge Eating Disorder. Frankly, I don’t know if that confidence will ever come. I wish I could be one of those people who has a grand “AH HA!” moment, where the heavens open up and I’m suddenly struck with a never-before-felt sense of purpose and motivation.

I am just not one of those people.”

This has been me for so, so long. So many previous efforts, I felt this at my core. Sure, you get yourself whipped up into some willpower frenzy, feel like you can take on the world for a bit, then the reality of a slow process hits you in the face pretty quickly, and you lose that motivation. That’s being human. Why is it different this time?

When I started this process I was in a dark, dark place. I had been out of work, had fallen into another massive depression spell, and was working through it. My eating was off-the-charts bad. And I was feeling the physical effects of the weight on my body in ways I hadn’t previously. When taking my daily walk from the bed to the couch, I’d feel my heart pound and would actually feel winded at the end of it! I despised myself. I felt suicidal. I felt that I had screwed my life up so much it might just be better to end it.

I reached out for help. I always do, thank goodness. I sought counseling for my depression, and slowly, like it usually does, the depression started to lift. I started to care about myself, the teeniest, tiniest of bits. And when I crawl out of my depression funk, one of the first things I start thinking about it losing weight. It’s like a self-defeating cycle.

I knew I had food issues that I needed to work on. I didn’t know how to approach my desires to lose weight, so of course, TO THE INTERNET! I found blogs to follow, I looked up nutritional counseling, found a practice nearby that seemed like it was what I needed, and met a fabulously-positive counselor who made me feel supported and normal and human in a way I hadn’t felt in a long, long time. And then I did the thing that ended up changing everything for me: I called my insurance to find out how to extend my available time with her, and learned what services were available to me. This is how I found 20/20 Lifestyles, which, for me, was the structure I needed to really start on this journey for reals.

Here’s the thing: while there is a place of hope that needs to happen at some point on your weight loss journey (usually at the start), this hope needs to be supported sufficiently and strengthened by success.

That hope is not enough to carry us. We need supportive structures around us that keep that hope alive. Because wanting it isn’t enough. I’ve been that person who’s been wanting to lose weight, knows I NEED to lose weight for my health, but I didn’t feel that hope deep down for very long. Maybe for a week or two, but never long enough to sustain the necessary efforts. This has gone on since I was a teenager. And this is what got me up to being so overweight.

That “A Ha!” moment Emily mentioned doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It usually starts with a small spark. Maybe there’s a little fuel to keep it flaming for a second or two. But without a sustained supply of oxygen, it will not keep burning. We get those sparks dozens of times, maybe hundreds of times. But so rarely do we have that sustainable resource of support to keep us going.

Part of the 20/20 Lifestyles program were weekly support group meetings with other women on the program. That group started with about ten women, and ended with merely three of us. The fact is one solution isn’t the kindling for us all. We all have individual needs in that regard. What works for someone else isn’t gonna work for me, and vice versa. For some food tracking may be the thing that works for them. For others, they may need a hearty rewards system. Still others may need intense years of therapy to keep them going. And some, like me, may need ALL of those things and more!

The other part of Emily’s post I wanted to address was that overwhelming feeling of having so much weight to lose. When you’re looking at needing to lose over 100 lbs to get down to a reasonable weight, and losing 1 or 2 lbs a week is your average (or less), it can feel too monumental a task. The hope helps at this stage.

But as you start knocking pounds off, two things happen:

1) You start realizing you CAN do it. That spark starts to become your persona. You’re not just hopeful that you can do it, you ARE doing it; and,

2) The changes you’ve effected start to work in your favor. Your eating patterns are different, and habits are formed that make it considerably easier to resist temptation. Activity becomes part of your life and missing out on it becomes something you actually MISS when denied the opportunity. And as you get smaller/fitter/whatever there’s a strength that comes that makes you feel empowered to do more, to strive for more. Confidences are gained that you never thought possible. That doesn’t happen at the END of the rainbow, that can hit at any point along your journey! Thank goodness!

These two changes, these evolutions that occur are vital, as well. Because, life. Illness happens, injury happens, funky times happen. I’m going through it right now. Last night I was plotting the route to Top Pot Doughnuts and planning which dozen I would select. This morning I’m thinking about the leftover pizza in my fridge. I WILL ALWAYS HAVE THESE URGES, AND SOMETIMES I WILL GIVE IN TO THESE URGES AND BINGE.

But you know what? That doesn’t mean I’m going to fail. That’s not something I felt at the beginning, I can 100% tell you that. But I feel it at my core now. I am not sick with feeling of failure while planning on eating pizza. I know that I’m going through something (injury + TOM hormones = binge), but that I’ve gone through something before and come out of it. This is what self-compassion is for me, and it’s vital to this process of transformation.

At the end of this, all I can really advise is: find your kindling wherever you can, and fan those flames, friends! I know we can win at this!

A Bona Fide Rant Video and “What I Ate” Catch-Up

Oh boy, yesterday I was feeling a little more uppity than usual, and uploaded a nearly half-hour rant to YouTube. What could stir such vehemence in me? Well, it may have been related to the fact that I was a little sick to my stomach, and when I get sick my fuse gets a lot shorter. But while I was browsing my Twitter feeds yesterday morning, one of the Twitterers that I follow posted something that just chapped my hide.

For the last week or so this person has cluttered my Twitter feed with constant retweets of entries into her weight loss blog’s current contest. Something on the order of 40 per day or so. I was REALLY tired of seeing “I’ve entered to win a week’s worth of workout attire! Visit X site to enter!” But then yesterday morning she started posting sponsored ads for what I would refer to as diet pills. Ummmmm…

At this point I’m going to take the lazy way out and direct you to my rant video itself, embedded below. I was feeling far more loquacious about it when I recorded it.

So, what are your thoughts? What are your feelings about seeing other bloggers promoting products, and have you ever had an experience where you feel someone stepped over the line and put their integrity at risk? And if you are a blogger who deals with brands or advertising, what is your approach? What types of opportunities do you reject on principle?

———–

I alluded to this above, but I fell ill for the majority of the day yesterday. Familiar abdominal pains plagued me throughout the afternoon and I was miserable. I felt a little feverish, with chills and a spot of nausea. Surprisingly, eating eased the pain temporarily, so I made sure to keep myself fed, but my activity levels were super low. I spent most of the day on the couch covered in a blanket willing myself to feel better. I’m happy to report that it completely passed by the evening.

I dredge this illness up to excuse my lack of “What I Ate” posts for the last two days. Intentions were to catch-up yesterday and then, well, that didn’t work out so now I’m going to catch up and post the photos and menus from Wednesday, Thursday, and today.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18TH, 2014

What I Ate: Wednesday, June 18, 2014

A post shared by Julie Loses! (@julieloses) on

Breakfast:
Fried egg with black pepper
Sara Lee Multigrain 45-Calorie Bread
Laughing Cow Light Swiss Cheese Wedge
Fage 0% Total Greek Yogurt (I sweetened with Stevia, yuck)
Organic blueberries & strawberries

Lunch:
Baked chicken breast with Frank’s Hot Sauce
Wholly Guacamole Classic
Goya Low-Sodium Black Beans
2% Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Snack:
Activia Strawberry Patch Greek Yogurt
Dry-Roasted Unsalted Peanuts
Frozen Green Grapes
Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice Tea

Dinner:
Burrito! made w/baked chicken breast with Fiesta Lime Mrs Dash
Goya Low-Sodium Black Beans
2% Shredded Cheddar Cheese
Tillamook Fat-Free Sour Cream
Wholly Guacamole Classic
Pace Restaurant-Style Salsa
Guerrero Large Flour Tortilla
Leafy Green Romaine Salad Mix

Calories: 1479 kcal
Protein: 128g (35%)
Carbs: 138g (38%)
Fat: 44g (27%)
Dietary Fiber: 25g
Sugar: 48g
Sodium: 2134mg
Cholesterol: 335mg
Saturated Fat: 14g

———–

THURSDAY, JUNE 19TH, 2014

What I Ate: Thursday, June 19, 2014

A post shared by Julie Loses! (@julieloses) on

Breakfast:
Scrambled eggs (1 egg, 8 T egg whites) with black pepper & ketchup
Organic strawberries
Sara Lee Multigrain 45-Calorie Bread
Smart Balance Light Buttery Spread
Welch’s Natural Grape Jelly
Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice Tea

Lunch:
Baked chicken breast with Mrs Dash Fiesta Lime seasonings
Litehouse Lite Salsa Ranch Dressing
Sugar Snap Peas
Leafy Green Romaine Salad Mix

Sickie Snack:
Banana
Emerald Cinnamon Roast Almonds
Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice Tea

Dinner:
Baked chicken breast with Mrs Dash Fiesta Lime seasonings
Rosarita Fat-Free Refried Beans
Tillamook Fat-Free Sour Cream
Pace Restaurant-Style Salsa
Leafy Green Romaine Salad Mix

Calories: 1078 kcal
Protein: 93g (35%)
Carbs: 106g (40%)
Fat: 29g (25%)
Dietary Fiber: 21g
Sugar: 38g
Sodium: 2109mg
Cholesterol: 309mg
Saturated Fat: 9g
———–

FRIDAY, JUNE 20TH, 2014

What I Ate: Friday, June 20, 2014

A post shared by Julie Loses! (@julieloses) on

Breakfast:
Smoothie made with:
Fage 0% Total Greek Yogurt
Baby Spinach
Organic Blueberries
Banana
Silk Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk
ClearFiber supplement
Organic Greens & Reds supplement
Chia seeds

Lunch:
20/20 Lifestyles Chicken Vegetable Pizza (Pro Sports Club bistro)

Snack:
Deli-sliced Roasted Turkey Breast
Cracker Barrel Cheddar Stick made from 2% milk
Kosher Dill Pickle pieces
Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice Tea

Dinner:
Grilled chicken breast seasoned with lime juice & Fiesta Lime Mrs Dash
Goya Low-Sodium Black Beans
Pace Restaurant-Style Salsa
Wholly Guacamole Classic
Tillamook Fat-Free Sour Cream

Calories: 1235 kcal
Protein: 102g (33%)
Carbs: 134g (44%)
Fat: 31g (23%)
Dietary Fiber: 28g
Sugar: 20g (+ lunch unknown)
Sodium: 2032mg
Cholesterol: 152mg
Saturated Fat: 8g

What Recovery Means

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I’m lucky, as I haven’t had too many of these kinds of days lately, but last night I really struggled with some personal issues and keeping my deep desire to emotionally eat in check. The day started well enough, but slowly I just sort of lost the plot on the day and some sadness crept up and settled in for a long stay. I’d like to chat here about how my food issues were involved, as it’s a case-study in emotional eating.

Pretty early on in the day (before lunch) I started thinking about frozen yogurt. I usually try to treat myself to a trip to the local Menchie’s franchise at least once a week to feed my need for treats. It keeps me in check, and keeps my historical cravings for things like banana splits and whole pints of Ben & Jerry’s at bay. Because the day was rather overcast and cool, and the future forecast for the week showed warmer, sunnier weather, I decided to ditch the froyo idea for the day and hold off for a more appropriate day.

I snacked on some kale chips (not really my thing, to be honest) and a half banana to tide me over until dinner. Sometime between the snack and dinnertime things went south QUICKLY with my mood. That old, familiar depressed feeling crept in. I was sad, lonely, craving something I couldn’t put into words. It probably didn’t help that I was watching enormously depressing documentaries on female infanticide and true crime shows on tv. By the time I needed to leave the house to run an errand, I started to think about a Five Guys cheeseburger, and how I could get one in my mouth while attending to that errand.

I managed to stave off the burger, but by the time I returned home I had fully hit that pre-binge food paralysis. Do you know it? It’s that feeling where your mind is ruminating over all the things you might be able to cram down your throat, the things you SHOULD eat (and how none of that sounds good enough right now), and that keeps you in your chair, paralyzed in a dark place. It makes the hunger worse, the feeling worse. In that food paralysis, I even took to what I call “angry chores”. This is a more recent development for me. Historically I’d just let the house wallow in uncleanliness, but now, if I didn’t know what to do about food or my sadness, dammit, those dishes were at least going to get washed!

Finishing up the cleaning, I still was in a rut. I was still talking myself through it – trying to force-feed myself all of the helpful advice I’ve learned in therapy: “You’re uncomfortable emotionally – THAT’S OKAY! Be okay with the feeling!” But the need, the desire to fill the hole in my heart with comfortable food was compelling.

Here I’ll get to the single-most effective strategy I can employ to defeat these urges when they arise: PREPAREDNESS.

Had I not already had pre-cooked chicken breast in the fridge, I might have driven down to the Five Guys. Or I might’ve even ordered myself a pizza. But no, I had food ALREADY MADE in the fridge, and all that stood between me and a satisfactory meal was a minute in the microwave. It wasn’t what I WANTED, but the reality is that food is merely fuel. It’s not my friend, it isn’t someone to talk to when there’s no one else around. I knew that the best thing for me wasn’t to go to bed on an empty stomach, but to fuel myself with a respectable dinner.

I won’t lie – when I finished up the bowl of chicken and beans I LICKED IT DRY AND STILL WANTED MORE. When merely fifteen or twenty minutes had past after finishing and I was already visualizing myself taking the tub of TruWhip Light out of the fridge and going to town on it with a spoon, I decided the best strategy at this point was to just go to bed.

As much as I feel this experience on 20/20 Lifestyles over the last nine months has changed me, it hasn’t changed the fact that I’m still a binge eater. I still am motivated to eat bad things when I feel bad. It’s upsetting, because there are times when you think, “I’ve SO GOT THIS! I’ve beaten this! I have overcome! I’m a winner!” So when the old familiar urges and behaviors arise, you’re faced with a reality that might make you feel not as powerful…

But screw that! I knew, when I was heating up my chicken and weighing out the amount of guacamole and salsa on my digital food scale, that this was A WIN. I knew that when I went to bed instead of curl up with a tub of TruWhip Light, I was the victor in the battle. I knew that because I didn’t cave to a delivery pizza or a cheeseburger in a time of emotional craving, that THAT was a display of power. And this morning I feel a sense of PRIDE. I haven’t won this war – it’s clearly still being waged and may ALWAYS be an issue for me, but I have the tools, the strategies, and the internal power to have a win now and then. And more wins than losses means I come out ahead. And I’m happy with that!

Weigh-In Update, Six Months, and OW! My Legs!

Yesterday I celebrated six months since my Day 1 on the 20/20 Program by meeting with my dietitian and measuring my current weight. Happy to report my weigh-in showed me at 214.6 lbs, or a loss of 2.4 lbs from last week. I’m also happy to report that I ate a full breakfast yesterday before the weigh-in – another effort in breaking the bad fasting habit I had fostered over those first six months. This brings my total weight lost on the program to over 51 lbs, and the total from my high weight from sometime in July to over 57 lbs. Folks, that’s the most I’ve ever lost on any program ever! That’s serious business!!

Our meetings are less and less her advising me on nutritional methods, and more on me being awestruck by how the food thing is just WORKING. I don’t feel like I’m eating in a way that’s not going to be sustainable for the rest of my life. I’m eating foods that I enjoy, and getting a real feel for what “satiated” means. Fast food no longer has the grip on me that it’s held ALL MY LIFE, and I’m making huge strides in learning to prepare my own healthy and delicious meals. Okay, occasionally NOT so delicious, but nowhere near terrible – and they fuel me, which is what eating is, really. And I’ve dipped into the territory of eating out – which has frightened me in the earlier months of the program – and come away from the experiences with the realization that IT’S OKAY. Going out and having a nice steak dinner with mashed potatoes is not going to send me to the McDonald’s dumpster the next morning ravaging around for scummy leftovers, or grabbing pints of Ben & Jerry’s off the store shelves with a crazed look in my eyes.

I feel so empowered, and continued and LASTING success feels not like a supremely-difficult task to be slogged towards, but a genuine possibility. Not discounting the difficulties that I have/am encountering in this change process – they are plentiful and challenging – but giving myself the kudos that I really CAN and AM DOING THIS! I realize I may be in some weird second-honeymoon stage with this, but I’m grasping it tightly – holding onto all of the positive feelings. Hopefully not to squeeze them dry, but to let them feed the bigger positive feelings ahead.

<<Alert: Rant Ahead>>

One of the challenges I’m experiencing at present is the soreness in the lower half of my body. The 5K took a small toll, but by Monday I was feeling really good. My trainer decided to end our session on Monday with some squats. Ah. Yeah. By the afternoon I was slow. By Tuesday morning I was toast. My legs get DESTROYED by squats. Sitting and standing are THE WORST. Getting onto and off the toilet is a small agony where I must admit, I’ve been mumbling my trainer’s name, following or followed by a short string of expletives. Working out yesterday (40 minutes on the AMT doing intervals, bitches!!) felt okay, and I stretched a LOT afterwards, but a few hours later it was back to as bad as it was in the morning. Yuck.

My legs are HUGE, specifically my thighs. My thighs and my upper arms feel like the meatiest parts of my body. Sometimes I like to think that, for all the soreness, it’s ALL MUSCLE in those wide thighs. A girl can dream! In a few weeks I’ll be getting another DEXA scan, and be able to see with more clarity exactly how my body make-up has changed through these six months. But for now I need to finish my strawberry greek yogurt and get to the gym to give my trainer a piece of my mind crush yet another workout.

To Splurge Or Not To Splurge

That is the question. With Valentine’s Day here, a nice meal out is long overdue. I’ve been struggling with my thoughts about going out to eat, and how to achieve success (a good time out with my partner). Here’s the full text of an email I sent to my dietician this morning:

Turns out we’ll be going to The Keg this weekend (the brewery will need to wait for our friends to come back to town next week), but I’ve been going back and forth in my head with an idea, and I’d love to get your professional input on it.
On one hand, there’s part of me that is afraid of stepping outside the guidelines and eating rich “no no” foods. On the other hand, as part of a lifestyle change, I’m worried about creating “no no” foods altogether. One part of me wants to order the filet, cooked as plainly as possible, with only extra steamed veggies and learn to be OK with that; but another part of me is thinking: “Look, you only go out once in a blue moon. Have a half order of mashed potatoes. Have a little cheesecake. It won’t kill you”…
I’ve been digging into it a lot online. Looking at pros and cons of “cheat meals” (as many refer to it). I really don’t know what to think. Some people think it’s vital to combatting cravings. Some even say there are physiological reasons why it’s good for weight loss (something to do with shocking the body into maintaining an active metabolism). I’d love to think this is all true, and to be okay with having a meal that’s purely enjoyable and that’s not a result of a binge, or eating to the feeling of stuffed-ness. Like, just having a rich meal on a nice occasion and it being okay. Is that realistic?
The other part of me is afraid of derailing my progress. Of getting a bite of cheesecake and then having to eat the whole thing. I think I’m being a little irrational in that fear. Like, part of me wants to believe that if I approach it the right way, in a setting that I control in a reasonable way, that I can 100% handle it. How do I know if I don’t test it? Ack, it’s a dilemma!
I think this is my long story which can basically be summed up as: for a special occasion meal, I want to me able to taste things that I feel are a “treat”. Is this disordered thinking?
Your thoughts?
Stay tuned for her response. Ultimately it’s MY decision, and I’m pretty sure I know what I WANT to do, but I guess I’m looking for permission. It’s a weird thing. Is giving myself permission the right answer? Am I worrying about this too much? Yes to both, is what I think is the correct response. Just trying to honestly represent my struggle here. Feel free to chime in if you’ve had any experience with this struggle yourself!

UPDATE IN COMMENTS!

Video Update: Approaching a Barrier – So Close!

In this installment, I talk a little about approaching a numerical “barrier” on the scale, my history with Jenny Craig (where I briefly “blog-drop” the fantastic Kelly at No Thanks To Cake), my need for speed (er, tea), and why I can’t delve too deeply into my thoughts about “The Biggest Loser”. Thanks for watching!